I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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