meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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