I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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