After last night, I could never be a politician.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
