After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
