I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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