So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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