Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
