This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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