his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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