somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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