her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
