I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm too high and old for this...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
