My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
