i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
