so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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