life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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