how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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