with your own penis?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Michael Bay diarrhea
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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