need another drink. this is the easiest way
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I intend to get homeless drunk
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
