I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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