Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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