Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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