Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
