saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
