Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
im holly from the hills drunk
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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