I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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