Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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