do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
