If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Every concussion has its silver lining
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
