Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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