Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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