Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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