I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
