I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
