did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
