U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
