so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
