The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
