i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Randomize
