I'm so fucking centered right now
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize