Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
