Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
