Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
