dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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