I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
