That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
