just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize