my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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