Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize