I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
