Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
