then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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