kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
