Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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