I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
