Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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