how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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