I seem to have left my pride at pride
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
